July 4th Barbecue
for Kermit Gosnell, M.D.
Every year Dr. Gluck,
the famed gynecologist,
invites his nurses to his ranch
for his July 4th barbecue.
The nurses and their husbands
drive miles to watch the doctor
twist the necks of 20 chickens
before he dips the fowl, some
still wriggling, in a big vat
of boiling water to remove
the feathers before he tears
the legs and wings off
and places the parts
neatly on the grill.
Everyone agrees the meat
is wonderful, as is the sauce.
No knife is needed except
to butter the fresh-baked rolls.
The slaw and potato salad
have no peer, the nurses say.
They claim the same is true
of his ice cream and pecan pie.
The perfection of this feast
is no mystery, really.
Every July 4th Dr. Gluck
celebrates America and
the skills he's honed
indoors for 30 years.
The nurses agree, however,
the fetuses don't wriggle
as much as the chickens do
and it's nice the fetuses
go in a bucket
and not on a grill.
Physical For An Old Woman
Picked Up Wandering
Between her legs
the doctor found a goatee
gray as city pigeons
flying through factory smoke
a goatee that hadn't been combed
that hadn't been kept
that quit in fangs
an inch above her knees
The Odyssey of Pastor Harold Schnabel
Listen up! It's Deacon Simon here,
reporting on Pastor Harold Schnabel,
the minister we long ago defrocked.
Remember how he went to Holland
years ago. Hard to believe but
he's coming back a millionaire
who made his money
running a bordello for midgets
with Peyronie's Disease
in downtown Amsterdam.
He hired his staff carefully,
favoring double-jointed women who
understand the geometry of angles,
isosceles and otherwise.
He's coming back to take advantage
of an American Renaissance
in porkpie hats. He says men
will wear them once again
this summer and possibly forever.
It will be the same porkpie hat
made famous by Buster Keaton,
the beloved comedian,
who for years was chief custodian
in Harold's congregation, long before
we deacons finally defrocked him
for simony, calumny,
heterosexuality and serial fraud.
Anyone who thinks Harold's wrong
about an American Renaissance
in porkpie hats needs to remember
the startling success he's had
running that bordello for midgets
with Peyronie's Disease.
The staff of ladies he recruited.
made Harold a millionaire.
We defrocked him for cause but
he's an entrepreneur extraordinaire.
He knows midgets and porkpie hats.
So, please, join me at the airport
Sunday morning after services
so we can make Harold's return
to our beautiful city a boffo event.
He's giving out free porkpie hats
to everyone who comes to greet him.
And big discounts to all midgets
with Peyronie's Disease planning
a trip to Amsterdam this Spring
to admire--what else?--the tulips.
There will never be another Harold.
Let's welcome Pastor Schnabel home.